I had been struggling. I was trying to find the source of the uneasy feeling in my gut. As I went through my mental checklist I remembered I had not studied my scriptures that day. It was only lunch time (still plenty of hours to get my scriptures in), but I pulled them out. Repeat this process for three days. I'm a slow learner! It finally occurs to me that I had been doing really well studying before the kids got up and now I wasn't. Can it make that much of a difference? I wondered. The thought comes-you are starving your spirit. She got used to feasting in the morning. When I stopped feeding her, she got grumpy. Can you blame her? She was hungry! How strange that I had reached a point where it was no longer enough to just get it done, but the timing of it had become important too.
Most of you know that I am very slow to praise myself, even when I may deserve it. However, I gave myself a little pat on the back for this one! As I pondered, more insight came. In 2 Nephi 4, commonly known as Nephi's Psalm, Nephi shares some very personal feelings. I was confused at why such a great prophet would cry out "O wretched man that I am!" Joseph Smith said "The nearer man approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin; and like the ancients, arrives at that point of faith where he is wrapped in the power and glory of his Maker and is caught up to dwell with Him."
Having "clearer views" is hard!! It is uncomfortable and scary. Part of me shies away from the work required. Yet I am blessed with greater enjoyments along the way. Logically, it seems easy, but when I'm down in the trenches becomes difficult.
Elder Tad Callister summed it up beautifully- "The more spiritual an individual becomes, the more sensitive he becomes to his imperfections." As unnatural as it seems, our imperfections should draw us to Christ. This is a concept I have not fully grasped. My natural tendency is to feel a responsibility for the messes I make. I am slowly coming to understand that my Savior is my partner. He is there to help with the mess. It is not awkward for Him because He can see past it. His love enables Him to focus on me and my potential. He is proud of my efforts, however feeble they may be. Asking for help with my imperfections does not show weakness on my part. It shows faith and trust which is hard work. It is the only way back Home.
As I make my small steps to perfection, I will loose the desire to sin making it possible for me to dwell with Him. I pray that while we are in the trenches our hearts will long to be "wrapped in the power and glory of [our] Maker and [be] caught up to dwell with Him." This is the desire of our spirits and with His help we will make it!
